Warning: Possible 'Too Much Information' Ahead

Raegan has three theories to explain why we have not yet conceived a baby despite months of diligent attempts, utilizing the latest state-of-the-art ovulation–identifying devices, followed by sleepless non-ovulatory nights spent studying reference works like Taking Charge of Your Fertility and Making a Baby: Everything You Need to Know to Get Pregnant.

Her theories are as follows:

1. The ‘Sack Too Tight’ Theory
While it is true my testes may appear tighter than the average male’s, I have always presumed they were doing what they were meant to. In order to maintain viable spermatozoa, testicular temperature needs to be a few degrees lower than body temperature (98.6 F) (which is the reason we have testicles in the first place). I always figured my body temperature was simply lower than average, hence my close-kept nuts. Further, my “high-balls” have always provided the added benefit of keeping my penis propped up, which not only looks good in pants, but also means I don’t have to hold my schlong when I pee. It pains me to hear my problem-free sack maligned with such presumptuousness, particularly by my own wife.

2. The ‘Mysterious Red Dots’ Theory
In short, there are a million inexplicable tiny red dots on my testes. To me they simply look like blood vessels that are running close to the surface of the skin, ensuring an adequate blood supply to the places that need it most. And no doctor has ever expressed concern at their presence. But in Raegan's eyes, the dots, if connected, would spell out a lifetime of childlessness.

2. The ‘Laptop Addiction’ Theory
Just recently, a report came out that claimed chronic laptop users were at risk of being rendered infertile. Not because a) they were big nerds who were on their computers all the time instead of going out and getting laid, nor b) because the computers emit some sort of newly-discovered sperm-zapping radiation, but simply c) because they get hot. I’m sure there’s an internet porn joke in here somewhere, but I’m typing this on my laptop and my sack is on fire and I’m in far too much pain to construct one. Here's the thing. In my case, laptop-caused-fertility certainly seems like a genuine possibility. I’ve owned nearly every model of Macintosh laptop ever made, starting with the Mac 100. There certainly have been times when my computer got so hot you could have cooked an egg on it. Perhaps even two of them.

Myself, I have only one theory and it's not a very good one. Naturally, it assumes that I am in perfect health and that Raegan is, in fact, the problem. I call it:

3. The “EBR-1” Theory
While driving through Idaho on our Honeymoon, Raegan and I happened across EBR-1, or 'Experimental Breeder Reactor-1'. EBR-1 was the first facility to produce electricity generated by nuclear energy in the U.S., maybe anywhere, I don’t remember. As I’m sure you’re aware, there’s not a whole lot to do in Idaho, so we were psyched. EBR-1 seemed to promise just the sort of vaguely frightening retro-kitch we were after.

Inside, our vaguely frightening tour guide happily showed us the reactor. Shielded by a pane of glass, like a porthole, was the core. The guide had assured us the reactor had been deactivated and that even at the peak of its productivity, it produced only enough energy to power the plant itself, so I had Raegan get her face right down on the glass and peer down into it, for what I figured would be an amusing shot. Little did I know the photo would lead to a lifetime of tragic sterility.